Begin Again
by Enthusiastic Fish
Summary: After Ziva has left, Tony has to decide how he's going to live his life...if he really wants to think about it that much. Oneshot written for the NFA Give Tim a Break Challenge.


**A/N: **I wrote this for the NFA Give Tim a Break challenge. Tim couldn't be the one suffering. So he's not. :) However, he's still present. I set this sometime after Ziva's departure in season 11. There are some minor spoilers for that, but not much. There's not a lot going on. It's pretty quiet. Mostly, I was thinking about how much Tony has seemed to change this season.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own NCIS and am making no money off it. The lyrics belong to Billy Joel.

* * *

**Begin Again  
**by Enthusiastic Fish

_All the words have been spoken  
__And the prophecy fulfilled  
__But I just can't decide where to go  
__Yes, it's been quite a day  
__And I should go to sleep  
__But tomorrow I will wake up and I'll know  
__That I've got to begin again  
__Though I don't know how to start  
__Yes, I've got to begin again, and it's hard  
_"Got to Begin Again" by Billy Joel

Tony leaned back and stared at the ceiling. He had to admit that this wasn't how he'd thought things would turn out. He'd wanted...well, it didn't really matter what he'd wanted. He'd thought he was going to get it and then watched it slip away.

No, not slip away. She had walked away.

Or had _he_ walked away?

Oh, well, didn't matter. It was over.

The question was what he was going to do now.

He'd only been back in the States for a few days. Soon, he'd have to decide what he was going to do.

Actually, he knew what he'd do. He'd go on without her. He'd go back to work.

But those were just inevitabilities. The real question was what he was going to do about how everything had gone.

A drink sounded good.

Unfortunately, he didn't have anything in his apartment. He didn't know how that had happened.

_Oh, yeah. I knew this is what I'd want to do if things didn't work out. I was being responsible._

What an idiot.

He wasn't going to sit here without a drink.

He got up and headed for the door, keys in hand. He'd be so miserable with the hangover he planned on having tomorrow that he wouldn't be able to think about the other pain.

He opened the door and fell back a step in surprise.

"McGee...what in the world are you doing here?"

Tim shrugged.

"Checking on you."

"I'm fine. I'm going out. You can go home and play a video game."

"Going out where?" Tim asked.

"To party."

Tim rolled his eyes.

"Right."

"What do you want, McGee?"

"I already told you. _I_ was being honest."

"Congratulations," Tony said.

He pushed by Tim and headed down. To his surprise, Tim followed him, not saying a word.

"I'm not inviting you along, Probie."

"I didn't think you were," Tim said.

Tony walked to his car and ignored Tim completely. He got in his car and left...headed for the liquor store. Then, he drove back to his place.

...and he was surprised yet again because Tim was still there. Sitting on the steps, waiting for him.

"What are you doing here?"

"Same as before," Tim said. "I thought you were going out to party."

"I lied."

"I know."

Tony looked at him and then walked past him and up the stairs.

Tim followed him.

"Are you planning on moving in?"

Tim smiled.

"No. That might be kind of hard to explain to Delilah."

"Why aren't you with her tonight? Having trouble?"

"Not a bit."

He found that he resented Tim's easy answers. This wasn't the easily-intimidated probie that Tim had been...well, a few years ago. This also wasn't the Tim who was put off by Tony's irritation.

"Are you going to let me in?" Tim asked.

"Are you actually going to listen?"

"Sure. I might think you're wrong, but I'll just say see you tomorrow if that's what you want."

Tony looked at Tim and then turned back.

"See you tomorrow, McGee."

"All right. Good night, Tony."

He heard Tim start walking down the stairs. Suddenly, for no reason that he could explain or at least, admit to himself, he turned around one more time.

"Wait."

Tim turned back to him and raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Come on in," Tony said.

Tim smiled and came up the stairs. He followed Tony inside. Tony set his bag down on the floor and sat on the couch.

"So...what do you want to do, McGee?"

"I was hoping that...maybe you'd say something...you know, instead of talking."

"You been taking Gibbs lessons or Ducky lessons with that sentence, Probie?"

"Oh, that was all mine. You talk to keep from saying anything. You did it with Saleem in Somalia. You've done it to me more times than I can count. You did it to..."

"Okay, okay," Tony said quickly. No need to bring up that name.

"So...what now?"

Tony looked at Tim and then at his bag of bottles. He pulled out a beer and tossed it to Tim. Then, he pulled out one for himself.

Tim opened his and took a drink. Tony followed suit. For a few minutes, they drank in silence.

"It's over, you know," Tony said, finally, not looking at Tim. "It never really even started, and it's over."

"Sorry."

"You don't sound very sympathetic," Tony said.

"I'm sympathetic."

"Then, you should work on your tone."

"I'll take that under advisement."

Another silence fell.

"There could have been _something_, but there wasn't."

"If you don't mind me saying it, waiting until after she left probably wasn't the best time to try and start something."

"I _do_ mind it," Tony said.

"Only because I'm right."

"And when did _you_ become the great expert on women?"

"I'm not. I'm fumbling my way through and, so far, Delilah hasn't dumped me. Logic says that the time to begin something is _not_ when it's already over. That's not relationship advice; that's just logic."

"You know where you can put your logic."

"I know."

More silence. More drinks.

"I kissed her."

"How was it?"

"Great. Wonderful. Awful. Painful."

Tim said nothing about that.

They drank some more. Finished one beer and started on a second.

"I've got to do something," Tony said softly. "I just don't know what it is."

"I don't, either."

"Then, what good are you?"

"I'm here," Tim said.

"Yeah." Tony sighed. "I figured you'd be my Yoda-like mentor."

Tim laughed a little. "Yoda, I am not."

Tony smiled.

"What do I do, now? I had it all planned out. I _knew_ how everything was supposed to go...and it didn't. Not at all."

"I guess you start over."

"Again. I have terrible taste in women."

"I don't know. You have good taste...just bad timing."

Tony looked at Tim for the first time and glared. Tim just smiled.

"I don't know if...I'm...ready to start over like that."

"You don't _have_ to, you know," Tim said. "You don't have to define your life by who you're sleeping with...or _want_ to be sleeping with."

Tony grimaced. "You need to work on your ego-boosting skills, Probie."

"I think it's the first time you've let me try," Tim said. "I haven't had much practice."

Tony leaned back and stared at the ceiling.

"I should have seen this coming."

"Yeah, probably."

Tony laughed again.

"Work on that. You're not supposed to agree with me when I say something negative."

"I'll remember that."

"I could have loved her."

Silence.

"I thought I did. I even said it. ...but really...what did we have? Nothing. We worked together, sometimes were friends. We never wanted the same thing at the same time. Not even in Israel. I wanted it to be love."

"Maybe it couldn't be...because it wasn't something you both felt."

Yet again, Tony laughed.

"You're not supposed to say that, either, Probie."

"Sorry."

Still, what Tim said was probably true. Even if one or the other of them had felt it. They had never really felt it for each other. So...could that be love?

"It's going to be hard."

"Most things are. That won't change no matter what you do...unless you die. Dying is easy. Living is hard. That's what makes it all worth it."

"Where did you get that from?"

"_Download Your Destiny_...second edition. They improved it quite a bit. You actually have something to download instead of CDs."

Tony laughed out of genuine humor that time.

"You and your self-help junk."

"Yep. It's worthless, but that's okay. You want to borrow it?"

"No. I'll build my self-esteem in my own way."

"Okay."

"So...Tim...where do I go from here? I'm rock bottom, at the end of the road, facing reality for the first time."

There was a long pause. Long enough that Tony actually sat up and looked at Tim. Tim was staring at him with that perplexed expression he sometimes got. Tony had always enjoyed being able to put it there. Whenever Tim thought he had things figured out, Tony could usually pull out something unexpected that would take Tim by surprise to the extent that he actually had to think before he spoke.

"Well?"

"Forward," Tim said finally. "Up and out. Into the sun. You have to start. I don't actually know _how_ you do that, but you have to do _something_. Because my stomach can't take drinking with you every night."

Tony smiled then, but with a different feeling. He noticed, for the first time, how uncomfortable Tim was. How he was shifting around a lot in his position. He was here and he wasn't enjoying it all that much. That made two of them.

...and yet...

Tony saluted Tim with his bottle.

"Thanks, Tim."

"So...I did one part right?"

"Yeah. Just the one. You'd better improve."

Tim saluted him back. "I'll work on that. Anymore trite cliches I can try out?"

"No. No more of those."

"Okay."

"You can go."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure."

"See you tomorrow?" Tim asked.

It was a real question.

"Yeah. Tomorrow."

"Okay."

Tim got up and left without another word. Tony stared at the closed door. He finished his beer and, instead of burning a hole in his stomach lining, he went to bed.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

The next morning.

Tony woke up and stared at the ceiling.

It was tomorrow.

It was time to begin again.

How he'd do that, he wasn't sure, but it was time to try it.

FINIS!


End file.
